A Breakthrough.

It's been a while since my last post, and I've been wanting to update everyone on my life spiritually and how Passion Camp transformed not only my mindset, but my outlook on the world as a whole.

I felt like I should take some time to really let everything from camp settle into my bones before I wrote this on a "camp high", and I am so glad I waited because so much more confirmation has happened since and I cannot wait to share, so without further or due; the raw and uncut story of my breakthrough from my chains of anxiety:

Going into Passion Camp I was expectant, the WORST thing you can be for anything. I was stuck looking in the rear view mirror at my past experience at camp. I wanted it to be as fun as last year, even though a few people who went the year prior were not here this year. That was what kept filtering through my mind, "It won't be as fun, no one fun is here, there's no way it can even come close..." which I now know was the enemy wanting me to be so fixated on my past that I would not focus on what was lying ahead for me spiritually. The bus ride down was pure excitement as usual, but towards the end of the ride I began to feel overwhelmingly sad. I was not looking forward to camp whatsoever, and I wanted to go home. It got so bad to the point of tears, and I could not find joy in any upcoming thing. I have only ever dealt with anxiety and sadness, but this was a deeper glimpse of depression type feelings. I did not understand where this was coming from since I thought everything in my life at the time was "fine". I realized later on that the enemy knew something big was going to happen at camp for me and my faith, so he decided to throw any and every obstacle he could in my way.

The first few days were terrible for me mentally. Certain circumstances with group leaders and room situations messed up my focus on the reason of why I was there in the first place, and the enemy continued to put these obstacles up to make me think I was "not having fun", and therefore, was on a "pointless beach trip". My friends can even attest to the fact that every few minutes, I was either crying or anxious about something. The enemy. Had. Won. I was knocked down mentally after a long and hard semester of sadness and anxiety, and Satan had me in a position of complacency but I believed I was strong enough to stand on my own two feet. The truth was, I had built my foundation on sand, and I was ignorant to the fact that I had done so. Satan used this against me to have me defeated before my feet hit the floor in the morning, and it took me months to realize.

One day during free time, my whole friend group was chilling in the hotel hallway, while I had my phone plugged in the corner and was, yep you guessed it, anxious. I was having a bad anxiety attack and so I asked my friend Emma Hearn if she would go on a walk with me, to which she agreed, and the Lord used her as an astounding vessel to breakthrough to me. The Lord opened the eyes of my heart to so much I had been blind to in my life. I had not been focused on the joy in my battle. It is biblical that trials will come in this life when we choose to follow Him, but I had been broken mentally to the point where I did not even see the small connections He made in my life daily. Emma told me that my faith was my most beautiful quality and that Satan can trick us into not believing that truth when we feel alone mentally. She told me that my anxiety was merely something I was going through, and it was NOT my identity. I am called a daughter of the King, and He felt my anxiety attack in that hotel-messy mascara with tears and all-on the cross. He took on not just the people around me's pain, but MY pain (even in the present) as well. These simple truths are all things I had heard before, but the Lord blessed me and opened the eyes of my heart for the first time in a long time to hear them with a new perspective. Emma made the truth so intimate to me, and made me feel like I was the only person that mattered in the moment. So many things began to click for me as I sat in a hotel elevator lobby with bittersweet tears rolling down my cheek. Bitter in the fact that the hard truth was resonating with me of all I had been doing wrong, but sweet in the beauty of the love and grace of the Father Emma was instilling simultaneously.

You see, that's what I admire most about all this; it finally clicked with me that we must go through things in order to grow through things. This has become the anthem of my heart. Going through trials to realize that even in the midst where we believe God is absent He is not. It's simply all in His timing, we're just viewing things through a different lense than He is. We blame God when life gets tough and we're up against a wall, but that's you and me viewing the situation not Him and His plan viewing the situation. For my fellow anxiety strugglers-we don't have to overcomplicate the simple, or know everything about the Lord or ourselves, or think we are too complex, etc... Because when we are focused on everything we get distracted from the something that is pressing on our hearts. We can oftentimes miss the root of our anxiety because of all the noise we have grown so comfortable with that we don't even notice is there anymore. The enemy can attack while we are weak and make what seems to be the most peaceful option in the moment to actually be the most anxiety-ridden choice.

The answer to all of this? Well I'll finish the story...

After hours of realization with Emma, we went to dinner and I journaled about our whole conversation so that I would not forget a word. Then, I started to eat my entire meal, to which I was astonished and teared up. Now this sounds like nothing to you, but for me, I realized I had not been able to eat a full meal in weeks, and it hit me as to why. I was having subconcious anxiety that I did not even see was effecting physical health areas of my life. AGAIN, my eyes were opened from mental blindness. When I tell you God worked, He came crashing in on this trip for me.

The next night was the biggest night for me session-wise. Louie spoke about how it is not a question of who sits on the throne of the Almighty, rather, who sits on the throne of my life. Hello. We can struggle with every decision we make based upon what/who we let run the show. For me, it was my anxiety and fear. Louie gave an opportunity for everyone to slip off their physical chair and bow on their knees at the end as a symbol to mark that the Lord runs the show. Not fear. Not anxiety. Not depression. Not an opportunity. Not someone else. Not MYSELF. So I did just that. I slid off my chair, bowed my head, opened my hands, and felt friends IMMEDIATLEY grab my arms on both sides. I felt hands place upon my back and head, knowing others around were all praying over me. Emma whispered and told me she wanted me to pray out loud for there is power in prayer, but more so when you speak things into existence. I began rattling off my go-to prayer, "Peace and strength, Lord. Peace and strength always." I demanded that the enemy be gone in the name of Jesus, and that fear had NO place here. I prayed that my anxiety be released for I had dealt with it for far too long. That night, I was finally able to sing Fade Away by Passion with allconsuming truth. I also noticed my giving key necklace I wore with the word "Brave" on it-that was given to me in the midst of bad anxiety two years prior-I had LOST that night. The Lord knew I did not need that word any longer, for I had been more than brave for 5 long years.

Ever since camp, I have not had an intense panic attack or overcomplicated thoughts. If that doesn't give proof to you of a faithful and just God, I don't know what will. There are times where I will, yes get a tiny bit anxious, but these are the moments I bring to the Lord since I have this cross to bear. I used to get upset at these small moments; thinking my anxiety should be "gone for good". I said this to my friend Alex and he told me, "Your anxiety may have a finger on your throne, but it isn't sitting there comfortably anymore." And this is something that gave me immense comfort and peace. The Lord restored most of my mental health within a day and truly showed me what the name Prince of Peace really means.

Peace. A word I have strived long and hard for over the course of my life, and I believe the Lord is only beginning to write my story with it.

Stay Encouraging. Be Strong.

mw